As an advocate around mental health and, particularly, depression, I often get asked the question of how one can support a friend or family member who is struggling with depression. Actually, I had no idea how to answer that question when I was in the midst of my own major depression.
I had invited two of my best friends to my house the night before I checked myself into a partial hospitalization program in order to let them know what was going on with me…and to request their support. Of course they asked, “What can we do to support you?” While I really didn’t know a good answer, I asked them to check in with me via texts once in awhile. I also asked them to invite me out for a coffee, alone, without a group of friends, now and then. My last suggestion was to ask one of them to reach out to an acquaintance of his who worked with men and depression and to ask him how they could support me.
My wife wanted to help me. She, too, asked, “How can I help you?” I really didn’t know what she could do for me. I asked her to join me at a therapy session or two, which she did. This was comforting to me, although I’m not so sure how much it supported her in helping me.
One of my most memorable times in which a friend helped me out happened to be on a bitter cold Minnesota day. My friend, Dan (one of the two I had mentioned earlier in this post), called me up and said, “Get dressed, I’m coming over and we’re going out with our cameras”. He arrived to my house and, as is common for many when clinically depressed, I made as many excuses as I could to stay inside the house and on the couch. He persisted. He even brought some extra, warm clothes for me in order to eliminate the lack of warm clothes as a possible excuse. Dan happens to be a professional photographer and, as a very close friend, he knew of my passion for photography, as well. We’d been out to shoot on several occasions prior to this.
We geared up, long-johns, Sorrel boots, hats, gloves, wool socks, the works! The weather was frigid. I trudged my way from my house door to his car, feeling that my body movements were slow and heavy due to the depression. As close friends often are, I was comfortable with Dan and knew that I could be silent, sad, or simply emotionally numb and he wouldn’t judge me for it. He drove the mile or so to the Mississippi River. We got out, each with a camera in hand, and made our way to the slow moving, nearly completely frozen river. The air was incredibly crisp and sun was shining brightly. It was actually a beautiful day and the frigid temperature actually, in some odd way, was refreshing and even invigorating.
I still remember that day like it was yesterday. We walked up and down the banks of the river exploring through the lenses of our cameras. The reflection of the sun off of the ice and water was just beautiful. It allowed me to get outside of my head (and out of my house), even if just for a short couple of hours. I got exercise, I had social contact with a trusted friend, I had fresh air, and I was able to enjoy one of my hobbies for which I had lost interest in during my depression.
Was I cured from my depression? Absolutely not. Did it give me a glimmer of hope that is so crucial to recovering from a major depressive episode? Absolutely! Lessons learned: Ask for help, accept help, use every ounce of effort possible (dig deep) to find any bit of energy to do something!
As with all of my posts, I encourage and welcome comments!
My friend, Dan, at the Mississippi River on the frigid day described above.
Al Levin's Mental Health Website 
This is a wonderfully honest and brave post. Thank you. It is so hard to help someone as I well know, because the things that help are the last things that one wants to do … as in, getting out of the house with a trusted friend. A lovely post. Katie
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Thanks for reading my post, Katie, and thank you for your kind comments. I really appreciate it! Al
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I appreciate you sharing this story. Do you have anxiety as well? Sometimes I have trouble sorting out whether it’s anxiety or depression keeping me in bed.
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That’s a great question. I think anxiety and depression often go hand in hand and deciphering which is which can be pretty challenging. What’s interesting in my case is that I never really knew I had anxiety until I was on an antidepressant in which I was warned that one of my side effects would be a much increased level of anxiety for a day or two. My anxiety went through the roof. It was an interesting experience because I feel much more tuned in to my own anxiety. I definitely have anxiety, but I wound’t say much. When I feel it coming on, I love to take three to five slow breaths (belly breathing). It’s a strategy that we all have at our disposal 24/7 🙂 Thanks for checking out my blog and thanks for your comments and question! I really appreciate it! Al
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Oooh yes the breathing! Have you tried the measured variety? Breathe in for 7 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, exhale for 7 seconds. You can use any combo that works for you… 5-5-5, 6-5-6… but be warned, do it too many times and you may fall asleep! (seriously. not kidding!)
I have anxiety too, and circumstantial depression (all relating to adhd). It’s all so deeply rooted and intertwined. Often when I can’t get out of bed its anxiety piled on top of depression or vice versa
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I typically just do three deep, belly breaths to sooth any anxiety. However, I have tried the 4-7-8 method for sleep. Here’s an article https://www.medicaldaily.com/life-hack-sleep-4-7-8-breathing-exercise-will-supposedly-put-you-sleep-just-60-332122. I think it’s worked. Thanks again for sharing! Al
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Trying the belly breathing. depression is hard to understand,can’t explain it or
Others will say just get over it! If only!!!
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Thanks for reading my blog and for commenting. Yes…depression so very hard to understand and there’s so much misunderstanding about it. I think, unless one has been through clinical depression on their own, it’s tough to really have a sense as to what it is. Keep on breathing! Al
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I have Depression and Anxiety. Your story made me think of my best mate. I was having a real hard time and he showed up on the doorstep. He’s the one mate that one day along with his wife I sat down and told him everything. He see me go through different emotions. Crying, anger you name it. Then telling him and his wife I had gone dark for the first time ever. Letting my best mate know that this is what it is and how I feel etc has helped. He knows if I’m having an issue and is there. If he don’t hear a quick message comes through “are you good”. It helps a lot. Plus knowing we are not alone out here.
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Thanks for reading my blog and thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. It’s great that you have such a supportive friend! Thanks again! Al
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